Supporting the person you love through any type of addiction is very difficult but the partners of sex addicts often find it the hardest.
As well as trying to come to terms with the fact that your loved one is ill and will require ongoing sex addiction therapy, there are a lot of other emotions to digest. Your partner hid a huge part of their life from you, they lied to you, cheated on you, hurt you, made you feel stupid and worthless and how on earth didn’t you pick up on the symptoms of sexual addiction?
All of these are common thoughts and just like we go through various different stages when dealing with grief, you can expect to do exactly this when trying to come to terms with your partner’s sex addiction.
It’s not going to be easy and it will take a long time to get your relationship back on track but in the meantime, there are some things you can do to help yourself.
Educate yourself about sex addiction
It will help if you understand sex addiction, what causes it and what you can expect from your partner’s treatment. Take the time to learn everything you possibly can about the disease because this will prove invaluable during recovery. The more you come to understand the nature of addiction, the better you will be able to empathize with your loved one and help ascertain their progress and needs.
Don’t enable the addict
By sitting back and tolerating your partner’s behavior, you are merely enabling it. No matter how much you love them and fear losing them, you have to stay true to yourself. Unfortunately, you may even have to leave your partner before they will get help. This doesn’t necessarily mean divorce, just a temporary measure until they get help.
Get treatment for yourself
As well as coming to terms with the fact that your partner is an addict, you also need to cope with the consequences of your partner’s actions and the hurt they have caused. Counselling can help you to deal with infidelity and learn forgiveness and how to trust again.
It’s very common for partners of sex addicts to start to doubt themselves. You will question whether or not this happened because you’re not attractive enough, you’re not good enough or not exciting enough. Sadly, this is when self-loathing starts to form and this alone can take a huge toll on your mental health.
Counselling not only helps you to understand what your partner is going through but it also enables you to get through the recovery process whilst maintaining a healthy mind.
Do something for yourself
Supporting someone through a sexual addiction is hard work and you can fully anticipate that your life will become consumed by your partner and their recovery. It’s easy to forget about yourself and what you need and whilst it’s unlikely that you will have a fulfilling relationship with your partner for a while, there are other things you can do for yourself.
Make sure that you’re keeping in touch with friends and family, socialize frequently, take up a hobby or join the gym. You will need time for yourself to escape and be someone other than the partner of a sex addict from time-to-time.
What not to do
We’re frequently reminded of the things we must do when supporting someone through sexual addiction but there are also a number of things that you should try to avoid if possible.
It’s hard not to get angry and feel resentful towards your partner but try not to let emotions get the better of you. If you’re feeling particularly worked up, walk away and calm down before you talk to your partner.
Don’t expect everything to go back to the way it was – doing this will only strain your relationship further. In fact, when addicts do the real work, they have the potential of creating a much healthier and more meaningful relationship than what existed prior to discovery.
Don’t overlook your own needs – supporting a loved one who is fighting addiction in incredibly draining. Even as you focus on supporting your spouse, don’t forget to tend to your own needs too.
If you think that you or someone you know may need sex addiction therapy, please feel free to contact Toronto Trauma & Addiction Counselling in the strictest of confidence and we will be more than happy to discuss the symptoms of sexual addiction and treatment options.
