Children have various coping styles, and thanks to the work of Mary Ainsworth and Mary Main, two American scientists, we now have a better understanding of what those coping styles are. Through countless hours of observing how infants and children interacted with their mothers, they were able to discern several different coping styles. They are:
Secure Attachment – In children who are securely attached to their mothers, studies have shown that these children show some distress when their mothers leave their sides. However, when she comes back, they’re happy again. They often spend a little bit of time with her to reconnect and then they continue playing or doing whatever activity they were doing previously.
Avoidant Attachment – In children who display signs of avoidant attachment, they tend to be detached from their mothers, whether they are in the room with them or not. Coming and going doesn’t seem to faze them, at least externally. The mothers of these children will often show the same type of detachment due to their lack of physical comfort or even verbal expressions of love. Even so, just because these children are outwardly displaying signs of not being bothered, there is usually a sense of hyper arousal they’re experiencing on the inside, as evidenced by their increased heart rates.
Anxious or Ambivalent Attachment – In children who display signs of anxious or ambivalent attachment, they are generally always trying to get attention, regardless of whether mom is in the room with them or not. They will cry, yell, scream and are unable to be settled down. When they don’t know where their mother is, they are upset, but her return does not ease their responses at all.
Disorganized Attachment – In children who display signs of disorganized attachment, they seem to be unsure about how to respond or associate with their mothers. Through additional research, they found that the children looked at their caregivers as though they were afraid of them, or at least as if they were a source of stress for them. They’re not sure if it’s safe to approach their mothers or their fathers, which leaves them in a state of confusion. Sometimes these children are very affectionate with people they don’t know, or they seem to climb into a shell and stay there without associating with anyone.
Disorganized Attachment in Adulthood
Much of who you are is designed within you during your childhood. Your upbringing and your relationship with your parents both play a major role in how you view yourself and your relationship with the world around you. For example, children who don’t feel safe during their childhood will struggle with feeling safe in their adult years. This can be caused by parental abuse, but it can also be caused simply because parents have been trauma victims themselves.
Children – and adults, for that matter – find it difficult to distinguish between safety and danger when they have never understood how it feels to be safe. Without an internal sense of security, situations that might be potentially dangerous can invigorate you, or you might feel indifferent to them. Everyone is different with this response.
Disorganized attachment during childhood generally leads to behaviors such as impulsivity (such as promiscuous sex and out of control spending), substance abuse, and even recurrent suicidal behavior.
Perhaps you have experienced many of these issues in your life, and you know you need to get treatment for trauma. I can help you work toward healing. Please contact me for an appointment.
