As we start to understand and talk about sex addiction more, the topic is slowly becoming less taboo. This means that those who are addicted to sex are increasingly likely to confide in a doctor, counsellor, partner, friends or family.
Whether you’ve been in a romantic relationship with someone for a while or it’s a new relationship and the person has been honest with you about their addiction issues, it can be difficult to know how to handle the situation. Below we share some advice for dating someone who is recovering from sex addiction.
Please remember however that this shouldn’t be used as a substitute for professional help. If you think that you or someone you know needs help for sex addiction, please get in touch and we’ll be able to help.
Find out where they are in their sex addiction recovery journey
If your partner has confided in you but they’re yet to seek professional help, they’re at the very beginning of their journey. This is a great sign, however. Admitting there’s a problem is often the hardest part and telling people can be incredibly difficult.
The beginning is typically when people need the most support. They’re coming to terms with their addiction, they may need forgiveness for hurting others, they’re trying to come to terms with the underlying issues that caused their addiction and they’re also learning triggers and coping mechanisms. This is also the time they’re most likely to relapse so it can be difficult and emotional for everyone.
If your partner is already part of a recovery program, they should have worked through all of the above. There are many great sexual addiction treatment programs out there and hopefully, your partner found one that helped. They may still be attending group meetings or working with a therapist which is something that’s actively encouraged regardless of where someone is in their journey. Even those who have been in recovery for years without relapsing can still benefit from group or individual sessions.
Receiving help for sex addiction means that your partner has made a commitment to abstain from sexual acting out behaviors and ultimately, has started working on the issues or challenges they faced which caused the addiction to take hold in the first place. This process is ongoing because the temptation to return to the lifestyle can be overwhelming at times. Even so, your loved one has exhibited a wonderful commitment to their recovery, which is great news for your relationship.
Don’t judge
It’s important not to pass judgment. Sex addiction is incredibly complex and is often the result of some form of trauma so it’s likely that your partner has been through a lot.
It will help if you understand sex addiction, its causes and what you can expect from your partner’s treatment. Take the time to learn everything you can about the disease because this will prove invaluable during your partner’s recovery. The more you come to understand the nature of addiction, the better you will be able to empathize with your loved one.
Contrary to popular belief, sex addiction is very rarely about sex. Rather than doing it because they enjoy it, those with an addiction are usually trying to forget about trauma they haven’t processed or dealt with.
Don’t enable destructive behaviors
When supporting someone with an addiction, it’s easy to enable their behavior without even realizing it. Chances are you think that you’re doing the right thing by not coming down on the other person too hard because you don’t want to cause any upset which could lead to a relapse.
While it’s perfectly natural to feel this way, sitting back and tolerating your partner’s behavior isn’t going to help anyone. In time you will start to feel resentful and it could also affect your mental health. No matter how much you love them and fear to lose them, you have to stay true to yourself. If something makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re not happy about something, let your partner know.
If your other half is still heavily into their addiction and hasn’t reached out for help yet, it’s especially important not to excuse their behavior. Covering for them when they didn’t go to work, bailing them out financially and forgiving them for infidelity merely enables them to continue with the addiction.
See a counsellor yourself
There are a number of reasons why it can be beneficial for the partners of those with sex addiction to speak to a counsellor themselves.
If you’ve been in a relationship with someone throughout their addiction, chances are they’ve been unfaithful and have deeply hurt you. It can be incredibly difficult to come to terms with their behavior and learn to trust again. Your confidence may take a hit as well because you’re likely to assume that you’re simply not good enough for them or that they wouldn’t have done what they did if they truly loved you. Sadly, this is when self-loathing starts to form and this alone can take a huge toll on your mental health.
If you choose to stay with your partner, a counsellor can help you to come to terms with your own trauma and understand the other person’s actions. If you decide to leave, a professional can help ensure you do so feeling strong so you can rebuild your life again.
Attend couple’s therapy
As well as seeking individual therapy, you may find that couple’s counselling can really help get your relationship back on track. Research shows that couples have the greatest chance of recovering from sex addiction when both partners are engaged in a program of recovery.
Seeing a sex addiction counsellor can be a great help for both partners. Not only does it open the channels of communication, it allows both people to talk in a safe and open environment. You can also deal with any underlying issues and commit to a plan that’s going to help you both move forward rather than fall into the trap of having the same arguments over and over again.
What to do if relapse occurs
If your partner has relapsed, it’s very important that you maintain whatever boundaries you may have implemented. It’s also essential that they get help as soon as possible. The longer someone relapses, the harder it is for them to enter recovery again because they’re likely to enter a downward spiral.
Do bear in mind that even if your partner is showing the signs of relapse, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they have. They may just be thinking about it at this stage or it could be something else such as financial worries which are concerning them. Communication is very important at this stage. Simply having a conversation with your partner to let them know you’re there for them could be enough to stop them from relapsing.
If you would like help, advice or further information about sex addiction, please don’t hesitate to get in touch with Toronto Trauma and Addiction Counselling and we’ll be more than happy to help.
