We tend to think of trauma as something that occurs because of a serious physical event that happened to us at some point in our lives. Most of the time we equate it to instances of physical abuse or sexual abuse. However, that’s not always the case. When an individual experiences emotional abuse or neglect, the result can be just as traumatic as if the assault was physical. Perhaps you’ve had this experience in your own life, but you were just never aware that this was what has been happening with you.
In his book, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk discusses this topic by using the example of a woman named Sherry. Sherry was a woman who failed to make eye contact and who preferred to keep her face down and her shoulders slumped. Her mother had run a foster home and had continually told her things such as, “I don’t think you belong in this family” and “I think they gave us the wrong baby.” Over time, these hurtful words took a serious toll on Sherry.
When you’re neglected and emotionally abused, you begin to feel as though you don’t have anywhere to run to for refuge or safety. For young children, this can be especially devastating, but it’s actually true for people of any age. As with other types of trauma, a person who suffers from emotional trauma begins to feel numb. In Sherry’s case her arms were covered with scabs because she used to pick at her skin until she would bleed. That was the only way she felt alive. Doing that allowed her to feel something other than numbness and it gave her comfort and a sense of relief.
Emotional scarring frequently leads to physical scarring, just as Sherry was doing. However, many professionals have wrongly identified this scarring as being suicidal behavior. While at times that may be the case, often, when a person hurts herself, she is actually attempting to help herself feel better. That’s the only way she knows how to do it.
Of course, that’s not the only way people comfort themselves. When they don’t receive reassurance and comfort in the face of the traumatic event they’ve faced, they’ll often look for other ways to find it. Sometimes that results in addictions to drugs, sex or alcohol. Sometimes it results in overeating or in cutting.
Emotional trauma, just like physical trauma, can lead to disconnection. It’s not always enough to understand why you’ve disconnected. In Sherry’s case, she felt completely disconnected from her own body. She wasn’t even aware another human being was touching her at times. If you’ve felt the same way, then you understand how it feels, you just don’t know what to do about it. You might not even be aware that you can change it.
I’d like to help you if you’ve been through an emotional trauma. You don’t need to continue to live in a body that feels so disconnected from the outside world. Contact me if you’d like to make an appointment.
