If someone is habitually unfaithful to their partner, they or the people around them may question if they’re suffering from sex addiction. In some cases, people who have cheated have even used this condition as an excuse for their behaviour – even if they don’t actually have an addiction.
If a person is keeping important sexual and romantic secrets from their significant other, they’re cheating. If that person is also preoccupied to the point of obsession with their sexual activities and are unable to quit even though they would like to, there’s a good chance that there’s a more significant issue that needs to be addressed.
It can however be difficult to identify the difference between cheating and sex addiction if you don’t know what you’re dealing with. If you’re trying to distinguish the difference between the two, it’s important to learn the similarities and differences between them.
Is it cheating or sexual addiction?
First and foremost, it’s important to note that just because someone may have a sex addiction, this doesn’t mean that they’re not cheating. If they’re in a relationship with someone while they are acting out in their addiction, they’re cheating.
The purpose of this post is to help readers differentiate between someone who is “just” cheating as opposed to someone who may also have an addiction.
It’s also worth noting that there are plenty of men and women who cheat, even regularly, without meeting any of the criteria for sexual addiction. Furthermore, plenty of people with sex addiction aren’t in relationships and therefore can’t cheat.
Cheating
Infidelity is the breaking of trust which occurs when someone keeps intimate sexual or romantic secrets from their partner. This definition doesn’t talk specifically about affairs, porn, strip clubs or other related acts because what constitutes as cheating to one person, might not to another. Some people may for example be very strongly opposed to their partner going to a strip club whereas, for other people, this isn’t something that concerns them.
Most couples establish boundaries early on in their relationship and infidelity focuses on the loss of trust caused when someone doesn’t respect these boundaries. For many people who have been cheated on, they find secrets and lying more difficult to deal with than the actual act of infidelity.
Is cheating an addiction?
The excitement associated with meeting someone new releases dopamine in the brain. This creates a temporary high which many may find addictive if intimacy is lacking in their current relationship. Because these behaviours can provide a quick fix and distraction from problems in everyday life, you certainly can compare infidelity to a drug, alcohol or gambling addiction.
Also dubbed, ‘flame addiction,’ BrainWorld Magazine explains how and why a person may become addicted to cheating.
Cheating is often the result of deeper problems within a relationship. Some of the most common reasons for cheating include:
- There may be a lack of proper communication in the relationship or life may become dominated by work or looking after the kids. As a result, it’s very easy for the time couples to spend together to become more functional than loving.
- Feeling unloved or unappreciated.
- If there’s a lack of balance in a relationship, one person can begin to feel a bit like the parent and the other like the child. For example, one partner may feel like they have to be the responsible one, making all the decisions, organizing the home, managing the finances and so on. If they don’t think their other half is pulling their weight, an affair might then be tempting in order to feel appreciated and equal. Equally, the partner in the child position may feel criticized and as if nothing they do is good enough. An affair might feel like a way of reclaiming some sense of independence and authority.
- Fear of commitment.
- Issues related to self-esteem – you may think that getting attention from other people will give you confidence.
Sexual Addiction
One of the biggest differences between sex addiction and cheating is that someone with an addiction may still cheat even if they’re blissfully happy in their relationship. Their behaviours have no reflection whatsoever on how they feel about their partner or their relationship.
The criteria most often used by Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSATs) to define sexual addiction are as follows:
- A preoccupation with sex to the point of obsession with sexual fantasy and/or activity.
- Loss of control over the use of sexual fantasy and/or activity. This usually involves failed attempts to quit or cut back.
- Negative consequences linked to obsessive, out-of-control sexual fantasies and behaviours. This can include relationship troubles, issues at work or in school, declining physical health, depression, anxiety, diminished self-esteem, isolation, financial woes, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities and even legal trouble.
Other signs that someone may be suffering from sexual addiction include:
- Experiencing an escalation of behaviour over time in order to achieve the desired effect.
- An inability to stop sexual behaviours and activities despite the negative and damaging consequences.
- Experiencing extreme distress if unable to engage in sexual behaviours.
- Being unfaithful.
- Practicing unsafe sex.
- Blaming other people for their problems.
- Denying they have a problem and/or making excuses for their actions.
- Feeling ashamed about their behaviour.
- Their mental health is suffering.
The main differences between infidelity and sex addiction
Someone with sex addiction uses sex as a drug and will therefore often engage in other behaviours such as porn, cybersex, phone sex and even visiting prostitutes.
Someone who is cheating but does not have a sex addiction, may not engage in any of these other activities. Sex is not used as a drug for them but if they are carrying out these activities, it tends to be part of a larger pattern of behaviour that’s impulsive, self-indulgent, irresponsible or immoral. It’s more likely to be used for self-gratification rather than because the person feels they have a dependency on sex.
Just like a person addicted to alcohol or drugs uses substances to numb feelings, escape stress or cope with other forms of physical or emotional discomfort, someone with sexual addiction is doing the same thing with sex.
Compulsive sexual fantasies and behaviours are not being carried out because it feels good or because the person is simply looking for a good time. They’re doing it to temporarily escape the pain of life and it’s very rarely about the act of sex itself.
More often than not, people with sex addiction have other addictions as well. Many studies have found that the overwhelming majority of those who suffer from sexual addiction have at least one other addictive behaviour such as alcohol, drugs, nicotine or even work.
Scientific evidence is also starting to show that there are neurophysiological and even genetic bases to addiction and that all addictions are similar on some level. So if someone has a sex addiction rather than simply being a serial cheater, there’s every possibility that they will have previously had another addiction or are currently battling one. It’s important to remember that this is not always the case however so can’t be used as conclusive proof.
Someone with sexual addiction is also less likely to develop a relationship with the person they’re having relations with. Chances are that they’re sizing everyone up as a sex object or as a potential sexual partner rather than forming relationships where they actually intend on falling in love with the person or seeing them for anything other than sex.
Someone who cheats on their partner, however, may not necessarily be doing this purely for sex. They could be seeking out someone to fulfill the emotional needs that their partner isn’t giving them.
Cheaters who don’t have an addiction may also cheat in other areas of their lives such as at work. They’re not obsessed with sex and they’re certainly not riddled with the self-doubt and shame that addictions so often bring. They genuinely feel that what they are doing is justified and they’re likely to carry on engaging in extra-marital affairs for however long they can get away with it.
Do all people suffering from sex addiction cheat?
While sex addiction and infidelity often go hand in hand, there are many people who stay true to their partners.
This does of course depend on what each individual considers to be unfaithful. Some partners may think that although unacceptable, sending messages of a sexual nature to other people isn’t cheating. Others may however view this kind of behaviour as cheating. Neither is right or wrong and everyone’s definition of cheating is valid.
Even when infidelity hasn’t been committed, partners may be exposed to other upsetting behaviours including:
- Extra pressure to have sex.
- Assertive or aggressive behaviour during sex.
- Less emotional intimacy both inside and outside the bedroom.
- Manipulative behaviours.
- The pursuit of other activities such as watching excessive amounts of pornography, participating in chat rooms or going to strip clubs.
- Anger when confronted about these behaviours.
The causes of sex addiction
One of the most common questions surrounding addiction is why do some people get hooked and others don’t?
The causes of sexual addiction are complex and there isn’t one single factor that determines whether a person will become addicted to it or not. An individual’s risk for addiction is often influenced by a combination of biological and environmental factors however and this can therefore make them more or less likely to suffer from it.
Trauma
In a survey of over 1,000 people suffering from sexual addiction, 97% had experienced emotional abuse, 83% sexual abuse and 71% physical abuse.
Being exposed to sexual abuse or emotional trauma can make people actively seek out sexually charged situations and actions as they produce the euphoria and escapism so often craved by those with addiction issues.
For many, addiction can also be triggered by an event such as the death of a loved one, divorce or losing a job. All of these are very stressful situations that are difficult to deal with, especially because a lot of people tend to isolate themselves at times like this. Stress and anxiety can make someone more likely to engage in more harmful behaviours such as drinking too much alcohol, taking drugs or participating in risqué sexual behaviours in order to cope.
Genetics
Genes can play a significant role in whether or not someone develops an addiction. For example, children with an addicted parent are four times more likely than children without an addicted parent to suffer an addiction themselves.
Underlying psychiatric conditions
Individuals who suffer from psychiatric conditions such as anxiety, depression or mood illnesses have a higher chance of becoming addicted to a substance or behaviour than someone who does not suffer from such disorders.
An addiction typically starts when psychiatric disorders overwhelm individuals with feelings of sadness, anger or confusion. Burdened with these feelings, they may look for a self-medicating solution – such as sex and this is what can lead to addiction. On the other hand, someone with an otherwise healthy frame of mind can participate in sex without becoming addicted to it. Treatment for psychiatric conditions is an important part of sexual addiction recovery.
The brain
Research has started comparing sex addiction to other types of addiction and are shedding light on the reasons why some people develop a compulsion to it. The ways that addiction affects the frontal lobe regions of the brain are of particular interest because these areas monitor things like compulsivity and the ability to make sound decisions.
Just like a person with a compulsive desire to overeat feels that their brain urges them to eat even when hunger isn’t present, people with sexual addiction may have obsessive and unwanted thoughts about sex. They may be unable to stop themselves from participating in activities such as viewing pornography or pursuing sexual relationships that they shouldn’t.
As with any addiction, each encounter with sex or pornography may bring a sense of pleasure to the brain. As a result, the brain continues to crave these experiences and the addict is locked in a vicious cycle.
A history of unsuccessful relationships
Many of those who suffer from sex addiction have a history of unsuccessful personal relationships. They may use sex as a way of diverting the negative emotions they associate with forming bonds with people. However, any pleasure is short-lived and often replaced by feelings of shame and guilt. In order to try and counteract these feelings, they may continue to engage in sexual behaviours to provide relief from these feelings and destructive behaviour patterns ensue.
Does the distinction between cheating and sex addiction matter?
When an individual or a couple begins therapy, it’s important that the qualified therapist offering the treatment fully and correctly assesses the situation. This ensures that proper treatment can be implemented. Just as a medical doctor wouldn’t use medication for high blood pressure to treat an unrelated condition, a therapist wouldn’t want to use the tried and true methodologies of sexual addiction treatment to address infidelity without an addiction being present. This is why the distinction between sexual infidelity and sexual addiction is important.
If you think that you or someone you know may benefit from speaking to a sex addiction therapist, please feel free to contact Toronto Trauma & Addiction Counselling in the strictest of confidence and we’ll be more than happy to help.
