Functional boundary systems serve three distinct purposes:
- They keep people from entering our space (possibly to abuse us)
- They keep us from entering the space of others (possibly to abuse them)
- They help us maintain a sense of who we are
Boundaries can be divided into two categories – external and internal.
External boundaries can be both physical and sexual, and they allow us to choose how much physical space we keep between ourselves and other people. You’re probably familiar with the term “personal space,” which is what physical boundaries refer to. Sexual boundaries are similar in that they control sexual touch and distance between us and others.
Internal boundaries refer to how we handle our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours. People with healthy internal boundaries don’t blame others for the way they feel or think, and they’re careful to keep their behaviours and thoughts separate from those of other people. When these internal boundaries are damaged, however, it’s difficult to refrain from taking responsibility for the thoughts and actions of other people. At times, this can result in controlling and manipulating behaviour.
Developing Boundaries
Like many people, perhaps you can recognize the need for boundaries, but you have always assumed they weren’t necessarily learned. If you think about a baby or a small child, it’s easy to see the absence of boundaries. The word “no” is often one of the first words a child learns simply because he has heard that word frequently from mom or dad in an attempt to teach boundaries. It’s also the parents’ job to protect their children from being abused by other people, as well as the parents themselves.
Boundaries must be taught, but people who have grown up in abusive situations or in dysfunctional homes often don’t demonstrate proper external or internal boundaries to some degree. Let’s take a closer look at the different types of boundary impairments. Perhaps you can envision yourself in one or more of these scenarios.
Lack of Boundaries – People with no boundaries frequently have problems with being taken advantage of. They do not understand their right to say no. In the same way, they often have a difficult time observing and respecting the boundaries of others. This results in a great deal of inappropriate behaviour.
Damaged Boundaries – People who have damaged boundaries are, at times, able to set limits and properly protect themselves physically, sexually and emotionally. However, their ability to do so is flawed because of their inability to be consistent. They also demonstrate inconsistency with regard to the boundaries of others.
Putting Up Walls – People who put up walls instead of operating within the appropriate boundaries usually come off as stand-offish, angry or resentful. Other types of walls are demonstrated in the individual remaining silent, or continuing to talk over other people during conversations. It’s common for people with these boundary issues to switch between their respective “walls” fairly quickly, which can make social situations very uncomfortable for others.
Constant Movement from No Boundaries to Walls – At some point in time, many codependents who put up walls will take a risk and allow themselves to become vulnerable. However, without any proper boundaries in place, the result is usually emotionally damaging and painful. Walls provide protection, but they also result in isolation. This scenario is very lonely, but the person experiencing it feels powerless to overcome it.
Boundary issues are just some of the many symptoms codependents often suffer from. Perhaps you can see yourself exhibiting some of these behaviours, and you wonder if you might be suffering from codependency. If so, it’s important to discuss your feelings and experiences with a qualified Therapist who can help you.
