We all have basic things that we consider needs. Food, shelter, clothes, water, nurturing (both physical and emotional) and medical and/or dental care are all examples of those basic needs. All of these needs are vital for our survival, and some of them are derived from interactions with other people, while the other needs are met by us. Either way, it is our responsibility to know how to recognize these basic needs and know how to meet them.
Wants are things that we do not necessarily need in order to survive, but they are things that will bring us happiness and joy in our lives. There are small wants and there are big wants. For example, desiring to buy a new television might be considered a small want, whereas yearning to get married and have a family would be a big want.
Problems occur when you are not in touch with your needs and wants, which is what many codependents struggle with. Perhaps you can identify with:
Feeling too dependent – Although you know what you need and want, you expect others to satisfy those things for you.
Feeling anti-dependent – You know what you need and want, but you’d never ask for help in meeting them. You handle everything on your own, or you go without.
Feeling as though you have no needs or wants – You have needs and wants, but you’re not really aware of them.
Feeling confused about needs and wants – You try to fill the voids of what you need by replacing them with the things you want.
Every codependent deals with needs and wants differently, and your experience will probably be different than someone else’s. However, when you are not able to properly care for your own needs and wants, the result is usually a poor self-esteem. You may feel ashamed, which is typically a response that occurs because of something that happened during your childhood.
Confusion in Childhood
Perhaps when you were a child, your needs and wants were ignored by your parents. When you asked for something, be it a need or a want, your request was hardly ever acknowledged. Or, it’s possible that it was acknowledged but that it was met with physical or verbal abuse. Children who grew up in those types of households often work very hard to fulfill the needs and wants of others in adulthood, but they have very little awareness (if any at all) of their own needs and wants. If abuse was a factor, as adults, they have learned to take care of themselves without asking for the help they need.
Some children experience childhoods in which every material item they have ever wanted is given to them. However, they lack the physical and emotional nurturing that they need. Many children who come from wealthy families fall into this category. As adults, they have learned to be completely unaware of their needs, and they only try to satisfy their desires for wants. It’s very typical for this type of need/want confusion to venture into wants that are extremely unhealthy, such as a diabetic who refuses to adhere to a strict diet, although the need is obviously there. In that case, dessert is much more appealing than fulfilling the need for healthy food. Of course, when this is the case, the result can be very dangerous.
Where Do You See Yourself?
Do you see yourself fitting into any of these scenarios? Can you identify with one of the needs/wants conflicts? If you can, you’re not alone. Many people struggle with understanding and being able to acknowledge and fulfill their own needs and wants. However, this struggle isn’t one that you have to face on your own. I’ve worked with many codependents to help them understand more about themselves and the world around them. Understanding brings healing and healthy change into their lives, allowing them to break free from the chains of codependency. If you can relate to any of the above, I can help you.
