The final core symptom of Codependence has to do with the way you experience your reality. To put it simply, codependents live in an immoderate reality, which is distinguished by the characteristic of living, experiencing and feeling everything from one extreme to another.
Most people are able to respond to everyday conversations, challenges and situations with moderation. Codependents lack the ability to understand what that means, and they often demonstrate that lack of understanding in four areas of reality:
- Their bodies – They may dress to hide their bodies, wearing baggy clothing or plain clothing. They may also be extremely overweight or extremely thin.
- Their thinking – They may have trouble finding a gray area within any problem they face. Everything is black or white; right or wrong.
- Their feelings – They have a great deal of trouble recognizing and understanding what they’re feeling and how to adequately express those feelings.
- Their behavior – They may struggle with not being able to trust anyone in their lives, or they may easily trust everyone without question. They may also behave in extreme ways with regard to being touched or with disciplining their children.
The immoderate reality that codependents go through can come from a few different places, according to Pia Mellody, the author of the book, Facing Codependence. The first way is by observing and having to deal with that type of behavior in their parents or other caregivers. The second way is through the experience of not being noticed or heard as a child by their families. There may be other reasons for it as well, and every codependent is different.
If you struggle with codependence, your feelings are most likely at the heart of that struggle. Codependents can experience feelings in four different ways:
- Moderation – This is a mature response to a situation. When you experience these types of feelings, you feel centered.
- Over-Empathetic – This occurs when someone shares something with you, and you take on too much of those feelings. You can easily become overwhelmed when this happens.
- Void of Feelings – Some codependents have developed a way to shut down their feelings entirely, and in a way, they’ve “frozen” them to protect themselves from being hurt.
- Carrying Feelings – Codependents who have experienced abuse during childhood have absorbed those feelings that resulted from that time. They may feel shame, rage or pain, and they’ve held onto them into adulthood.
“I just want to feel normal”
Have you ever said that to yourself? Many codependents do, but unfortunately, there really isn’t a “normal” standard to reach for. The good news is that there is a functional standard to reach for, and that should ultimately be your goal.
Many people experience these codependent symptoms we’ve been discussing, but they have no idea how to make a change in their behaviors, their thoughts and their lives. They also often do not realize that there is actually an underlying problem which is causing these symptoms. If this resonates with you and you would like to finally make changes in your life, contact me today. There is a light at the end of the tunnel!
