From the moment of birth, children have five distinct, natural characteristics that make them human. These characteristics help shape who they are, and they can also be manipulated when children are a part of a dysfunctional family, causing symptoms of codependency to emerge in adulthood. The characteristics are:
• Value – The knowledge that the child is precious because he’s treated as such by his family. In time, he’s able to experience his own value from within
• Vulnerability – The knowledge that the child needs to be protected and will be protected physically, sexually, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually
• Imperfection – The knowledge that no one is perfect, including themselves, and when mistakes are made, it’s important to make things right
• Dependence – The knowledge that their needs will be provided for them and they will be taught how to provide for their own needs and wants
• Immaturity – The knowledge that certain behaviors (such as throwing a tantrum) are expected at certain ages, and that the reasons behind these behaviors will be heard and responded to
If the family does not nurture these five characteristics properly, they often result in the missing links that are identified in codependence. This can happen because of neglect, abuse or even poor parenting decisions. Children are equipped with three additional attributes that allow them to mature. Those attributes are self-centeredness, endless energy and adaptability. In dysfunctional families, the parents or caregivers abuse these vital maturation tools. Actually, the tools are used against the children.
The Missing Link of Value – Children who are not valued learn that they are less than others or better than others. In adulthood, this results in the difficulty to understand what appropriate levels of self-esteem are.
The Missing Link of Vulnerability – Children who aren’t protected don’t develop safe personal boundaries because they don’t understand what danger is. As adults, they find it hard to set healthy functional boundaries in all areas of their lives.
The Missing Link of Imperfection – Children who aren’t taught that everyone is imperfect will often respond by striving to be perfect in everything they do, or they will turn to rebellion. In adulthood, they find it difficult to own and express their own imperfections.
The Missing Link of Dependence – Children whose needs aren’t fulfilled and who aren’t taught how to (eventually) fulfill them on their own often become either needless or wantless, or they become too dependent. In adulthood they can become too dependent on others to get what they need and want.
The Missing Link of Immaturity – When a child’s immaturity is not respected and honed, he can become even more immature or he can become controlling or too mature for his age. As adults, these children can have difficulty expressing and experiencing their own reality in a moderate way.
The problem that many codependents face is the fact that their childhoods shaped their view of reality and their culture. Recovery means learning how to change their minds and rethink some of the most basic principles they learned as small children.
Perhaps you can relate to many of these experiences, but you’re just not sure what to do next. If that’s the case, please contact me. Codependency symptoms can take over your life, but recovery and healing is possible!
