Because sex is such a normal part of our lives, it can be difficult to understand what sex addiction is and picking up on the signs may be even more challenging.
For most people, the sexual activities they carry out don’t cause a problem in their everyday lives. For someone with an addiction however, their behaviour will appear out of control because they can’t resist their urges or actions.
It’s very important to seek help for sex addiction because the person suffering is usually trying to numb negative emotions as a result of a difficult or traumatic experience.
What are the signs of sex addiction?
If you notice any of the following signs in yourself or someone you know, please contact a sex addiction therapist who will be able to help.
Unhealthy boundaries
It’s very rare that someone with a sex addiction has healthy boundaries. Their actions often lead to partners feeling isolated, angry, humiliated, depressed or alienated. Despite these feelings, they’re unable to stop their behaviors and they may even begin to sexualize negative emotions such as guilt, loneliness and fear.
Sadly, because most people suffering with a sexual addiction fear being abandoned, they themselves may stay in relationships which aren’t healthy or they may jump from relationship to relationship.
How to set boundaries when you’re in a relationship with someone suffering from sex addiction
If you’ve just found out that your partner has a sex addiction, it’s crucial that you seek support for what you’re going through and understand how to set boundaries.
A boundary is defined as something that limits and bounds and they’re important for providing structure in relationships. When you discover that your partner has an addiction of any kind, it’s important to set new boundaries in order to keep yourself safe and enable you to acknowledge your rights.
Here is an example of some boundaries you may feel are important to you:
- You have a right not to be lied to
- You have a right not to accept sexual acting-out behaviors
- You have a right to expect your partner to seek help and see a counsellor
Boundaries are about letting your partner know what you will and won’t tolerate. It’s important to remember that they’re not about trying to change the other person’s behavior – that unfortunately is entirely down to them.
Compulsive behaviors
A common and obvious sex addiction symptom is compulsive sexual behaviors. This can include masturbation, use of pornography, affairs, one-night-stands, cybersex, visiting prostitutes, exhibitionism or voyeurism. The longer these behaviors exist, the more detached the person may become – meaning that they’re not emotionally satisfied anymore. As a result, they may engage in these actions more frequently or seek out increasingly risky behaviors.
The sufferer will continue these destructive behaviors even if it’s causing significant problems in their personal or professional life. Even if they’ve lost their job or their marriage has broken down, it’s unlikely they will be able to stop until they seek help.
Why is it so difficult to stop these compulsive behaviors?
Sexual addiction is usually triggered by something. More often than not it will stem all the way back to childhood but anything in our adult life can set it off. Losing a job, having an argument with a partner, recalling painful memories, struggling to cope with mental health problems or engaging in a behavior that makes us feel bad are just a few examples.
Anything that may cause someone to try to avoid, escape and disassociate could cause them to act out. On the other hand, sometimes even positive triggers can occur such as celebrating a new job.
After a trigger occurs, a person struggling with sex addiction will repeatedly turn to their key coping mechanism. In this case, it’s a sexual fantasy. This usually includes memories of how much they’ve enjoyed sexual encounters in the past and so they will anticipate how enjoyable future sexual encounters may be.
Ritualization occurs when fantasy heads toward reality. This stage is commonly referred to as the bubble. This is when sufferers get lost in the planning and preparation of their next encounter. At this time, they may start watching pornography excessively and are likely to start planning a trip where they can act out without restraint – such as visiting a prostitute.
Once a physical sexual act has been carried out, this is actually where the ‘high’ ends because the sufferer is thrown back into the real world and the consequences of their actions become apparent. It’s for this reason that people suffering with sexual addiction will often try to stretch out the ritualization stage for as long as possible.
After acting out, it’s common for people to try and distance themselves emotionally or try to justify their behavior. This is the stage where denial sets in, as a protective measure.
The above becomes a cycle which is repeated again and again. Until the underlying cause of a sex addiction is identified, it’s unlikely that a person will ever be able to overcome it. You may think you can manage recovery on your own but it’s important to remember that in situations like this, underlying issues often become far more evident once the addictive behavior stops.
When you no longer have an addiction to mask the issues you were trying to ignore, you may find yourself feeling vulnerable and full of self-doubt which could lead to you giving into temptation again and again.
Your mental health is suffering
An addiction to sex can have many negative consequences. It will eventually lead to the deterioration of personal, social, family and professional relationships, it can affect your ability to do your job and there are of course physical ramifications such as sexually transmitted diseases.
It can also have profound psychological effects such as creating feelings of shame, inadequacy and emotional distress. It can also trigger anxiety, obsessive-compulsive symptoms, sex addiction depression and substance abuse.
It’s important to note that in many cases, the depression exists before an addiction starts. Often, an individual struggling with mental health issues may turn to drugs, alcohol or certain behaviors in order to try and cope with or mask the symptoms they’re experiencing.
Someone who is addicted to sex and who is also dealing with underlying depression is highly likely to continue their behaviors until the depression is addressed and effectively treated.
Sex addiction signs for females
One of the most destructive myths about sex addiction is that women don’t suffer from it. Not only is this untrue, it also keeps women feeling isolated, alone and unlikely to seek treatment.
While the life consequences of sexual addiction are the same for both genders, women also sometimes face additional complications such as abortion, societal stigma and shame. Being able to identify the symptoms early on can help to reduce the long-lasting effects of addiction.
Some of the most common sex addiction signs for females include:
- An inability to control their behavior
- They can’t stop their actions even though it’s having a negative and serious impact on other areas of their lives
- Obsessive thoughts about planning or participating in sex
- It’s very common for the signs of sex addiction to be cumulative amongst women. At first they may think they’re enjoying themselves and it may even appear to have a positive impact on their self-esteem. Over time however, it becomes increasingly difficult to stop the patterns of sexual behavior they’ve established
- If a woman continually engages in sex with strangers, has dangerous affairs, can only feel pleasure through sadomasochistic acts and usually feels depressed or melancholic the morning after, these are all signs that she may have a sex addiction
- If sexual behaviors could easily lead to sexually transmitted diseases, be a source of violence or destroy marital or parenting partnerships and she continues to persist in such activities anyway, the addiction is likely to be even more serious
Signs of male sex addiction
The signs of sex addiction are very similar in men and women. Men may, however, be more likely to frequent venues such as strip clubs, masturbate compulsively or consistently use pornography.
Typically, men find it more difficult to talk about their feelings but with sex addiction, women may find it equally distressing to open up because of the stigma attached to it.
Other signs to look out for if you think someone may be suffering from a sex addiction include:
- Being unfaithful
- Practicing unsafe sex
- Blaming other people for their problems
- Denying they have a problem and/or making excuses for their actions
- Feeling ashamed about their behavior
- Increasing the frequency or intensity of sexual activities in order to achieve the desired effect
- Responsibilities such as work and family are being neglected in pursuit of sex
- They become irritable when unable to engage in the desired behavior
- If your partner shuts you down or gets incredibly angry or defensive every time you try to speak to them about your concerns, this could be a sign of a problem
Why should you get help for sex addiction?
Speaking with a professional counsellor is by far the most effective way to overcome any addiction. The reasons for this include:
- They can help you to form healthy behaviors. This can include anything from joining the gym, seeing friends, getting a hobby, throwing yourself into work, going travelling or doing some volunteer work. By learning to engage in these behaviors rather than the destructive ones you’ve become so used to, you’re far more likely to avoid relapse.
- You learn how to avoid triggers. Certain places, people and activities may cause you to feel tempted to fall back into old habits. No matter how far you’ve come in your recovery, if you’re having a weak moment you might find it too difficult to resist. A counsellor can help you to address these people and places in your recovery plan so that both yourself and others can recognize when you’re engaging in activities that could tempt you to relapse.
- They can teach you how to control stress. Stress and anxiety are two very common triggers when it comes to relapse. The more stress you’re under, the more likely you are to seek an escape from it which is why it’s absolutely crucial you have a safe space where you can discuss your anxieties with someone you trust.
- They can help you to establish a good support network. The more support you have, the less likely you are to relapse. Friends, family and work colleagues are all great people to talk to but you may also find it beneficial to talk to someone who has been through what you have because you know they fully understand your actions and how difficult it is not to relapse. Your counsellor can introduce you to group sessions or support groups where you can meet like-minded individuals.
- You have someone keeping you accountable. If you don’t have the support of friends or a loved one, it can be very difficult to avoid relapse. While it will take you time to rebuild lost relationships, your counsellor is someone you know will be there for you regardless. Having regular meetings with someone not only provides you with a much-needed shoulder to cry on, it also helps you to establish important relationships which keep you accountable on your journey to recovery.
If you would like to find out more about sex addiction treatment in Toronto, please feel free to contact us in the strictest of confidence and we will be more than happy to help.
