Upon discovering that your partner has a sex addiction, there are many questions that will be running through your mind. Has your whole marriage been a lie? Did you do something wrong? Can your partner really love you if they cheated on you so many times? Will you ever be able to trust them again? Is divorce the only answer?
How you decide to proceed with your relationship is of course entirely up to you and your partner. Many couples do recover from sex addiction however and enjoy perfectly happy and healthy marriages. This isn’t to say that it’s going to be easy however. Both of you have a long and difficult road ahead of you.
If you and your spouse decide to try and get through this, there are some important considerations to bear in mind which when put into practice, can help to increase your chances of making the marriage work.
Both partners have work to do
Although it’s very important for both partners to work together, it’s also crucial that each person is committed to a plan that will help them individually. Whether you’re the person addicted to sex or the partner trying to offer support, focus on who you are first before you concern yourself with your role in the relationship and how it has/will change.
In this scenario, both people have healing to do and what you’re both going through are two very different things. One person is trying to come to terms with the fact that they have an addiction so they will be focused on overcoming this as well as dealing with overwhelming feelings of hurt, guilt and how they’re going to avoid relapsing for the rest of their lives.
The other person will also be grieving and trying to handle feelings of pain, anger and betrayal. Naturally they will be questioning everything they had with their partner, wondering whether or not they will ever be able to trust them again and deciding if supporting them is something they want to do.
It’s important for couples to acknowledge that their spouse will be experiencing very different feelings and that in the beginning, each person will need to focus on their own healing.
What the person with the addiction needs to do
- Commit to treatment – sexual addiction counselling shows your partner that you’re serious about recovery and is an important element of preventing relapse.
- Take responsibility – you will need to accept and take responsibility for the fact that you have hurt your partner and it will take time to get their trust back. If the person with the addiction doesn’t take ownership of their behaviors, recovery isn’t possible.
- Identify and abstain from dangerous behaviors – whether it’s affairs, prostitutes, chat rooms or porn, whatever could lead you back into sex addiction should be avoided. You should also abstain from anything you feel could trigger your behavior such as flirting or frequenting particular venues. Sex addiction therapy plays a key part in helping people to identify what triggers them to carry out such actions in the first place.
What the supporting partner needs to do
- Commit to your own recovery – it’s important to think about your own wants and needs at this time and not focus solely on your partner’s recovery. You are hurting too and in order for you and your partner to survive this difficult time it’s important to deal with your own mental, emotional and physical health. Sex addiction therapy isn’t just for your partner – it can benefit you hugely as well.
- Rebuild your life – if you decide to stay, you need to set personal goals that will enhance your life. This may be nurturing friendships with friends and family, taking charge of the finances, getting involved with a new hobby or developing a self-care program.
Couples therapy
Seeing a sex addiction therapist can be a great help for those who are trying to overcome this issue. Not only does it open the channels of communication, it allows both people to talk in a safe and open environment, understand the nature of sex addiction, deal with any underlying issues and commit to a plan that’s going to help them move forward rather than fall into the trap of having the same arguments over and over again.
If you think that you or someone you know could benefit from sexual addiction treatment, please feel free to contact Toronto Trauma & Addiction Counselling for more information about the signs, symptoms and what sexual addiction counselling is available.
