Partners of Those Struggling With Sex Addiction

Sexual addiction doesn’t just affect the person suffering from the condition. It also has a significant impact on their partner, friends and family.

Partners, in particular, are especially likely to suffer the consequences of sexual addiction. They can, in fact, be so profound that they too seek professional counselling to aid them with the healing process.

If you’re currently in this situation, you may find yourself reacting in a number of ways including:

• Shock – an initial paralysis where you don’t know what to think or feel.
• Trauma – you may feel extreme distress and/or struggle to regulate your emotions.
• Anger – this is extremely common and very understandable. You might even act out against others because you’re feeling so overwhelmed.
• Depression and/or stress – you may feel overwhelmed both emotionally and physically.
• Isolation – it can be hard to seek help and you might try to cope on your own. You may feel embarrassed about your partner’s actions or that they could have done this to you and therefore struggle to open up to others.
• Denial – again this is very common because it’s hard to believe that someone who is supposed to love you could hurt you so much.
• Preoccupation/isolation – you may find yourself unable to think about anything else.
• Hurting yourself – as painful as it is, you might demand that your partner tells you all the details even if it’s especially hurtful.
• PTSD – we talk more about this below in ‘what are the most common effects of sexual addiction on the partner?’

One thing that’s incredibly prevalent whenever sexual addiction comes to light is that partners are left with many questions. Below we cover some of the most frequently asked questions by partners of those suffering from sexual addiction.

What are the most common effects of sex addiction on spouses?

The effects of sexual addiction on a partner will, of course, depend on a lot of variables. The length and nature of the relationship and the extent of the sexual behaviours which took place will play a significant role. A partner may find excessive porn use easier to forgive than having sex with someone else for example.

What we do see consistently, however, is that the vast majority of partners all display some basic reactive emotions such as feelings of sadness, anger and betrayal. Many partners also feel shame or self-blame.

When you find out your partner has betrayed you in a sexual manner, it’s perfectly normal to feel a combination of many different types of emotions. You may even feel like you’re going crazy but psychologists believe that is a very real and natural response when we feel unsafe or insecure in our romantic relationships.

Sex addiction partner trauma can have a devastating impact. Whether you’ve found out that your partner has cheated on you, been looking at pornography behind your back, visited a strip club or has acted out sexually in other ways, it’s common to feel unsafe or even fearful. which looked at more than 1,400 people in these situations, found that the majority (more than 60%), experienced intense fear at least half the time.

Another 55% reported that after they discovered their partner’s sexual behaviour, they had difficulty (at least half the time) determining who was and wasn’t safe to be around. Many partners even show the signs of PTSD after finding out that their partner has been unfaithful to them.

When looking at the traumatic effects which can stem from a partner’s sexual behaviours, the results are actually concerning. An online survey which has been completed by more than 5,000 people has revealed the following:

• 57% of respondents said they always feel violated due to their partner’s sexual behaviours. 25.05% said they felt this way more often than not and 9.65% said they do half the time. Just 12.73% said never or rarely.
• When asked whether they question if their partner is thinking about them or other people/things they’ve done when they’re being intimate, just 14.19% said they never or rarely do this. 85.8% said they think about this at least half the time. The majority of respondents said they always think about this (42.79%).
• 46% of people actively avoid sexual contact with their partner after discovering their behaviour.
• 12% think that their partner acted out because they’re not good enough.
• Just 2.10% of respondents say that they never feel angry towards their partner after discovering infidelity has taken place.
• Time isn’t always a healer either – 33.02% of people say they’ve been experiencing these feelings for more than five years.

We know that sexual addiction can have a profound emotional impact on the partners of those suffering, what are the other ways you may be affected, however?

Financially – some of the initial signs of sex addiction tend to be an increase in unknown expenses. This may be hotel costs, phone bills or miscellaneous gifts. What’s more, sexual addiction often goes hand-in-hand with other dependencies so there may be additional expenditure on drugs, alcohol or gambling. It’s not uncommon for monetary assets to start mysteriously disappearing without verbal confirmation from their partner.

When a partner is confronted with sex addiction in a loved one, they may feel insecure and doubt whether or not they can trust their other half to budget responsibly.

Health – if you’ve found out your partner is suffering from sex addiction, their behaviour may have made you vulnerable to a number of health risks. Sexually transmitted diseases are the main concern so it’s very important that you get yourself checked out and don’t feel guilty about this.

A partner’s health may also be compromised through emotional repercussions. It’s not uncommon for affected loved ones to experience depression, severe weight loss or gain, thoughts of suicide or paranoia. All of these symptoms can lead to major health problems if left untreated so it’s very important to seek professional help if you’re experiencing any of these thoughts.

What are the signs of sex addiction?

Perhaps you’re not even at the stage where your partner’s sexual addiction has been confirmed. If you have your suspicions that something isn’t right, below are some of the most common signs that your partner, wife or husband has a sex addiction.

• They’re preoccupied with or are always craving sex. They may spend considerable time on activities related to sex such as looking for potential partners, visiting pornographic websites and frequenting venues where this type of behaviour is encouraged. Naturally, your partner may also become increasingly secretive about their whereabouts.
• Compulsive sexual behaviour – they’re increasing the frequency or intensity of sexual activities in order to achieve the desired effect. They may even ask you to do things you don’t feel comfortable with and pressure you into doing them even if you’ve said you don’t want to.
• Their sexual behaviour is becoming increasingly extreme and they may be unable to resist the urge to carry out sexual activities. For example, they may pay for sex, participate in sadistic or masochistic behaviour, show behaviours of exhibition or voyeurism, have one-night stands or suggest you attend sex parties. Sadly, partners are often in the dark about acts of infidelity because people suffering from addictions often become experts in hiding their behaviours.
• They’re neglecting responsibilities such as work and family in pursuit of sex. You may not know that your partner is seeking out sexual acts but a change in behaviour and a loss of interest in other activities they used to get a lot of pleasure from can signal a deeper problem.
• They continue to engage in sexual behaviours despite the negative consequences. If you’re aware of this, chances are that your relationship has started to deteriorate by this point. Sadly, one of the most common consequences of sex addiction is that relationships suffer. While nobody wants to hurt the people they love, unfortunately, partners are often the ones to experience the most anguish as they are left feeling helpless, alienated, isolated, angry, humiliated and sometimes even depressed.
• They become irritable when unable to engage in the desired behaviour.
• Some mental health professionals believe that sex addiction causes may be related to other psychological disorders such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), other addictions, impulse control disorders such as kleptomania, pyromania, gambling and even eating disorders. Having any of these disorders in no way suggests that your other half is addicted to sex but they are thought to increase the likelihood of a person developing one. Many studies have also found that the overwhelming majority of those who suffer from sexual addiction have at least one other addictive behaviour such as alcohol, drugs, nicotine, gambling or even work.
• Those with a sex addiction rarely have healthy boundaries. For example, a married person wouldn’t normally visit a prostitute but a person with a sex addiction very well may do so. If your partner is repeatedly carrying out wrong and hurtful acts even though they feel shame or know they’re hurting you, they may benefit from speaking to a sex addiction counsellor.
• Although there are few physical symptoms of sex addiction, it can lead to health issues including unwanted pregnancy, venereal diseases, sexual dysfunction, sexually transmitted diseases, anxiety and depression.
• If your partner shuts you down or gets incredibly angry or defensive every time you try to speak to them about your concerns, this could be a sign of a problem.

Can partners recover through “self-help” alone?

Self-help is a fantastic way to aid the recovery process. We do not recommend that it’s used alone, however. Sexual addiction is complex and often comes with devastating consequences so it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to deal with trauma recovery on your own.

Research has confirmed that most partners have a difficult time trying to recover by themselves. This has even been found to be the case among those who have left the relationship.

Some great things you can do to aid your recovery include:

Don’t blame yourself – nothing you did (or didn’t do) caused your partner’s addiction. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve aged, how much weight you’ve gained or lost, how busy you are with the kids or work or even how little or often you and your partner are intimate with each other. Sex addiction is more often than not the result of trauma so there’s absolutely nothing you could have done to stop infidelity from taking place.

Educate yourself about sex addiction. It will help if you understand sex addiction, what causes it and what you can expect from your partner’s treatment. Take the time to learn everything you possibly can about the condition because this will prove invaluable during recovery. The more you come to understand the nature of addiction, the better you will be able to empathize with your loved one and help ascertain their progress and needs.

Don’t try to make any major life decisions right now. As tempting as it may be to pack up your stuff and book a one-way flight to the other side of the world, try to hold off making any major decisions such as filing for divorce, uprooting the kids or quitting your job.

Naturally, you’ll be experiencing a lot of hurt and pain, but you don’t want to make a decision you’ll later regret. That said, it’s perfectly fine to sleep in a separate room or if you’re concerned about your emotional or even physical safety, you may want to live in a separate home. Just try not to make any life-changing decisions when you’re at the height of your hurt and anger.

Don’t enable the addiction. By sitting back and tolerating your partner’s behaviour, you’re merely enabling it. No matter how much you love the other person or fear losing them, you have to stay true to yourself. Unfortunately, you may even have to leave your partner before they realize that they need to get help. This doesn’t necessarily mean divorce, just a temporary measure until they get the help they need.

Trust your instincts. You may be feeling like you absolutely shouldn’t trust your intuition (especially if you had no idea about your partner’s behaviour) but it’s important that you do trust your feelings and observations. If you don’t feel safe or respected or like your partner isn’t being serious about their recovery, don’t trust that things will get better.

Commit to your own recovery. It’s important to think about your own wants and needs at this time and not focus solely on your partner’s recovery. You’re hurting too and in order for you and your partner to survive this difficult time, it’s important to deal with your own mental, emotional and physical health.

Sex addiction support groups for spouses can really help you to overcome trauma and negative emotions. What’s more, speaking to other partners will help you to realize that nothing about this situation is your fault.

Work on rebuilding your life. If you decide to stay, you need to set personal goals that will enhance your life. This may be nurturing friendships with friends and family, taking charge of the finances, getting involved with a new hobby or developing a self-care program.

Reach out to others for help. Dealing with your partner’s sex addiction isn’t something you should do on your own. Confide in a trusted friend or family member because you’re going to need the support of a loved one. It’s also a good idea to join support groups because you will be able to seek advice from others who understand what you’re going through.

Seek professional help. It’s important to find a counsellor who will be able to help you. Despite the hurt, anger, confusion and betrayal you’re experiencing, it’s not uncommon to resent the idea that you might need help to deal with your feelings.

Please be assured that this resistance is perfectly natural – after all, it’s not you who did anything wrong. For those who’ve experienced the betrayal of sex addiction, the obvious and overwhelming impulse is to assign blame to the addicted person. Although this is rightly so, most betrayed spouses find that they still benefit from therapy and other forms of external support.

Even though you’re not at fault, we urge that you don’t deny yourself the support that will make your life better. Furthermore, through the aid of professional therapy and support, addiction sufferers and their loved ones can use this opportunity to enhance their relationship and create a life in which they communicate effectively and have true intimacy.

Join a sex addiction support group for partners. Joining a support group enables you to communicate your feelings openly with others. Doing this among individuals who are in exactly the same situation as you can often be much easier because you’re less worried about being judged or feeling embarrassed.

Crucially, it also enables you to build up a support network you can turn to when you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed.

Why is it important for partners to seek help?

Earlier, we mentioned some of the most common effects of sexual addiction on partners. The trauma inflicted on you at this time is reason enough to speak to a counsellor but below we’ve listed some other reasons you might find the process incredibly helpful.

You will learn how to support the person with the addiction – there’s no right or wrong way to show your support but counselling can help you to do this in a way that will aid recovery.

In many relationships, where one partner is battling an addiction, the other person becomes the enabler. Counselling can teach you how to identify supportive behaviour and enabling behaviour. Making excuses for harmful, abusive or dangerous tendencies can send the message that you’re willing to accept your partner’s dependency.

It’s only when you put a stop to this that the other person will be able to hit rock bottom and then build themselves back up again. It can be very hard to watch somebody do this to themselves which is why professional support can help.

You’ll know what to expect from the recovery process – recovery is all about taking baby steps. It’s a slow process and there will probably be relapses. This can be difficult for the partner who may become frustrated and feel like there’s no hope. Something like group therapy can be very beneficial to partners because you can meet other husbands and wives who have been through what you have.

It can help re-build your relationship. If you decide that you would like to try to continue the relationship, the two of you are going to need professional support. Research has shown that couples have a greater chance of recovering from sex addiction when both partners are engaged in a program of recovery.

Where can I go for help if my partner has a sex addiction?

Several types of support that are specifically designed for partners have emerged in recent years. If you’re the partner of someone suffering from sex addiction, it’s recommended that you find an addiction therapist who’s qualified in this field.

As well as seeking individual therapy, you may also benefit from couple’s counselling. Not only will this help to open the channels of communication, but it also allows both people to talk in a safe and open environment, understand the nature of sex addiction, deal with any underlying issues and commit to a plan that’s going to help you both move forward rather than fall into the trap of having the same arguments over and over again.

You may also benefit from joining a support group such as S-Anon.

Please head to our ‘Sex Addiction Counselling’ page to find out more about sex addiction. Alternatively, for further information, please don’t hesitate to contact Toronto Trauma & Addiction Counselling and we’ll be more than happy to help.