Coping mechanisms are compulsions or habits formed over time which serve to help a person manage particular feelings or situations. While some are perfectly healthy, such as a shy person establishing a set routine before speaking in public to alleviate their nerves, others are dangerous and destructive.
Sometimes, coping mechanisms are used to deal with unhappiness, negative emotions or stress. A parent may for example light up a cigarette every time the kids play up. Addiction is one of the many unhealthy coping mechanisms a person may use to cope with a stressful life, undiagnosed mental health issues or the effects of a traumatic event.
Below we discuss how sex is often used as a coping mechanism and how to spot the signs of addiction.
Mental health issues
Whether they’ve been diagnosed or not, mental health issues are difficult to live with. They can leave a person feeling depressed, anxious, angry, worthless and helpless. As a result, addiction and mental health disorders often co-exist.
Sufferers often use drugs, alcohol, gambling or sex as self-medication to provide temporary relief from difficult symptoms. Over time, they begin to believe that they need to indulge in their addiction in order to get through the day.
Many people who suffer from sexual addiction say that their behaviors aren’t actually about the act of sex itself. The reason they act out is to escape pain, reduce anxiety or mask unpleasant feelings.
If you’re using sex to cope with depression or any other mental health issues, we urge you to speak to a counsellor who can help you with a diagnosis and treatment.
Trauma
Sex is very often used to cope with trauma. More often than not, people suffering with sex addiction come from dysfunctional families, they’ve been abused or have been exposed to some other form of trauma such as divorce or bereavement.
Neglect, the loss of a parent, witnessing domestic violence or having a family member with a mental illness can also lead to a person using sexual behaviors to try and avoid unpleasant feelings.
Although using sex to cope with trauma is common, it is of course an unhealthy practice. If you don’t seek help, you’re likely to stay in a vicious cycle of behaviors which will make recovery almost impossible.
The problem with using sex as a coping mechanism is that you’re not dealing with the underlying issues. When you feel bad, you act out sexually in order to try and eliminate unwanted feelings. Afterwards, you’re likely to feel even worse about yourself however, keeping you trapped in this cycle of behavior.
Improve self-esteem
If you’re asking yourself, ‘why do I use sex as a coping mechanism?’ you could be doing it to improve your self-esteem.
There is a very logical link between the two because knowing that someone finds you attractive is of course going to give anyone a confidence boost.
While engaging in a sexual encounter (and more often than not, simply fantasizing about the possible sexual encounter), you may feel wanted, desired and sought-after.
Today’s culture is heavily focused on sex appeal, beauty and attractiveness which leads many to believe that their self-worth is defined by how many people want to sleep with them. Based on this, it’s easy to see why someone may use sex for self-esteem.
Sadly, random sexual encounters rarely do much for our self-esteem and can instead leave us feeling guilty, ashamed, hopeless, lonely and empty. This is especially the case when addiction takes hold and sufferers have to engage in increasingly risky behaviors in order to achieve the same ‘high’ they once did.
Signs you have an unhealthy relationship with sex
You’re putting yourself in dangerous situations
If your sex life is putting your or other people’s safety at risk, this certainly isn’t healthy. You may be exposing yourself to sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy, you may go home with strangers, engage in illegal acts or consume a lot of drugs or alcohol before engaging in your chosen activity.
You’re not using sex for pleasure
People in healthy relationships have sex because they enjoy it. If you’re using it to mask negative feelings or emotions however, this is a sign you’re using sex as a coping mechanism. You may for example be using sex to deal with stress, mental health issues or unresolved trauma.
You’re ignoring other people’s boundaries
You may be ignoring or even violating your partner’s boundaries. You may, for example, be pressuring them to do something they don’t want to, mocking their requests, ignoring safe words or even forcing yourself on them.
Your behaviors are becoming more extreme
When we’re asked, ‘is sex a healthy coping mechanism?’ the answer is always no. Aside from being used to mask trauma, many people use sex addiction as a stress coping mechanism.
Sufferers quickly realise that sex isn’t alleviating their pain and is actually more likely to intensify it. This means that behaviors often become more extreme or dangerous. You may also start to neglect your responsibilities in the pursuit of sex. If you continue despite the negative consequences, this is a likely sign you have a sex addiction.
It’s all you think about
You may also spend a considerable amount of time looking for potential partners, watching porn and visiting venues where this behavior is considered acceptable and even encouraged.
Your relationships are suffering
You may become increasingly secretive about where you’re going or what you’re doing, become angry or defensive if questioned about certain behaviors or be unfaithful to your partner.
How to stop using sex as a coping mechanism
Sex becomes an unhealthy coping mechanism when it’s used to intentionally distract yourself from life, stress, body issues, relationship problems, mental health concerns or unwanted feelings. It can also be a quick fix for emotional, physical and intimate comfort.
When used in this way, it’s highly unlikely that you have a healthy relationship with sex. The good news is however, that with the right help, recovery is possible.
With professional help, you can learn how to stop using sex as a coping mechanism. Together with your counsellor, you can do this by:
- Understanding the root cause of your behaviors – this is most likely to be trauma or undiagnosed mental health issues
- Identifying your triggers – this could be certain people or places, stress, alcohol or anything that triggers painful memories
- Learning healthy coping mechanisms – for example regular therapy, exercise, communicating with a loved one or finding a new hobby
- Receiving treatment for unresolved trauma, addiction or mental health issues
If you would like to speak to us about sex addiction treatment, please don’t hesitate to get in touch with Toronto Trauma and Addiction Counselling in the strictest of confidence and we’ll be more than happy to help.
