It’s not uncommon for trauma victims to shy away from relationships, and most of the time, they don’t really know why they feel so awkward about them. Perhaps you can relate to feeling this way in your own life. It’s possible that you’ve even tried to have a romantic relationship (or more than one) in the past, but for one reason or another, you’re never fully able to follow through with it.
In his book, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk discusses one of his former patients who had a serious issue with relationships. Let’s talk about her encounter in greater detail.
One Woman’s Account of Relationship Trauma
Dr. Van der Kolk calls her Marilyn, and states that she was an operating room nurse who loved to play tennis. At one point, she began playing tennis with a man by the name of Michael, and the two of them continued their tennis court friendship for several months.
As time went on, the two of them would go out for dinner after their time at the tennis court, and on one particular evening, Marilyn invited him to spend the night at her apartment. Their sexual encounter left her feeling uptight, and she didn’t feel as though it were real. They went to sleep after watching a television show together and enjoying some wine.
During the night, Michael touched Marilyn while he was rolling over in his sleep, and she immediately reacted by punching him with her fists, biting him and screaming. He was terrified and he fled her apartment.
As it turned out, this was not the first time something similar had happened to Marilyn, and it left her with a lot of unanswered questions.
Feeling Terrified and Numb in the Face of Trauma
Traumatic events often go unremembered by their victims, which is one reason why so many people go about their day to day lives feeling afraid and emotionally and physically numb, but they have no reason for it. In Marilyn’s case, she yearned to feel something, and at times she even resorted to cutting her skin with a razor blade to give herself some relief. Her life felt like a series of pictures on film, and she was watching them and just going through the motions.
Like many people who’ve been trauma victims, Marilyn assumed her childhood must have been happy, although she couldn’t remember much from her early childhood at all.
Changing the Way You See the World
It’s important to note that if you identify with Marilyn’s story, your feelings are valid. The trauma you’ve gone through – whether you remember it or not – is a part of who you are, and why you feel the way you do about the world around you. It’s important to tap into those memories that lie in the deep recesses of your brain in order to deal with them properly and begin to heal from trauma. Do so requires the professional help of someone who has worked with trauma patients in the past and who understands how to begin unveiling those hidden memories.
If this story resonates with you, and if you feel you have been through traumatic events, it’s important to reach out for help. Please contact me today for an appointment.
