It is a very traumatic experience when you discover that your partner is struggling with an addiction. Whether it’s a substance abuse problem, or a sexual addiction, the shock you experience is unparalleled; especially if you find out that it has been going on for a long time without your knowledge. Perhaps that’s the situation you have found yourself in now. You feel almost emotionally paralyzed, and you’re not sure what to do.
Let’s talk about a few of the emotions you may be experiencing, or that you might experience in the future.
You May Feel Your Trust Is Broken
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. An addiction can break down the trust you once had with your partner. It’s normal for you to feel betrayed, and no amount of apologies or explanations from your partner can restore that trust, as long as the addiction continues. You may find yourself questioning whether or not anything your partner says is true and the longer the addiction continues, the more pain you experience.
You May Doubt Your Partner’s Love For You
It is common for partners of addicts to begin to feel inferior. Whether your partner struggles with an addiction to pornography, substances or gambling, you may begin to question your partner’s love for you. You may find yourself struggling with thoughts of:
● What’s wrong with me?
● When did I stop being good enough?
● What can I do to change so he/she will love me again?
● How did I cause this to happen?
Although these thoughts are very normal, it is important to realize that a partner can never cause someone to have an addiction. Can it be that there are things in the relationship that need improvement on your end; of course. Who doesn’t! You are certainly not to blame however for your partner’s behaviors. It is important for you to seek out the help of a therapist who specializes in helping partners of addicts so that you can work through your feelings before they begin to cause you anxiety or depression.
You May Feel Angry
Once the shock of discovering your partner’s addiction wears off, you may begin to feel angry. Your anger might be at the addiction itself, or at your partner for betraying your trust. Anger is a natural response and an important feeling to have. Among the gifts of anger are being able to set boundaries and be assertive which the person would likely not have done if not for the anger. That being said, it is important for you to understand that simply getting angry at your partner isn’t likely to change his or her addictive behaviors. It’s vital for you to seek out a safe place to discuss how you feel and work through your anger so that your anger can actually serve you and not cause you more harm and pain. This will help you begin the healing process for yourself, and it will also help you learn about the tools you will need to assist your partner in realizing his or her need for counselling.
Having a partner who is an addict will hurt you in many ways. As a an Addiction Specialist, I have helped many partners of addicts work through their feelings, begin their own journey of healing and help them find solutions which may help their partners understand the need to seek counselling and healing for themselves.
Whether you have recently found out about your partner’s addiction, or it’s something you’ve been living with for a long time, I can help. To make an appointment, please contact us today.
