Trauma victims tend to have two types of Parts – protective Parts and protected Parts. The protective Parts feel the need to protect the more vulnerable Parts, and the internal systems organize themselves in this way.
In some people, the protective Parts dominate, while in others, the protected Parts do. Everyone is different, but it is important to know the differences in the two and how they are organized. Let’s begin with a discussion about Exiles, which are the vulnerable, protected parts.
What are Exiles?
Almost everyone has experienced times in their lives when they felt terrified, abandoned, humiliated, or stricken with grief. We try to forget about those times, and we live in a world that encourages that forgetfulness so that we can press on and put the past behind us.
But in doing so, we’re exiling emotions, memories and sensations – Parts of us – that have been hurt. These Parts are the most sensitive, which meant that they absorbed the brunt of the trauma. But instead of allowing those Parts to heal properly, we leave them behind while they are still hurting. We do our best to forget about them.
It seems logical to only focus on the positive, and our culture encourages that. But when we do, we are no longer whole people. For many people, this means suppressing large portions of their minds and trying to cope with both the physical and emotional symptoms of trauma.
The Exiling Process
Once a person has started the exiling process, it only reinforces itself. Those Parts that are exiled can cause impaired function and they become a danger to your internal system as a whole. In response, trauma victims become even more committed to not revisiting those exiled Parts as a way to control them.
The irony is that the exiling process is designed to relieve pain, but it does the exact opposite. Exiles make people feel a range of emotions, including:
- Shame
- Weakness
- Sadness
- Vulnerability
- Neediness
These Parts tend to feel desperate for love and affection, which is why some people stay in abusive relationships for so long.
The Fear of Exiles
Men with exiled Parts often struggle more than women do simply because for a man, any vulnerability is a sign of weakness and humiliation. Men are expected to completely cut themselves off from such emotions and just move on with their lives, even in the face of trauma.
Our culture has encouraged women to exile different parts than men, such as assertiveness and power. But in both cases, Exiles can cause a great deal of fear because they interfere with the way we function, keep us attached to people who hurt us, and continually keep us in a state of struggling with difficult emotions and memories.
Restoring the Exiles
Exiles do not have to remain Exiles forever. In fact, the right trauma therapy – one that focuses on the Internal Family Systems method – can be life-changing and it can help to facilitate the healing process for trauma victims.
Are you ready to begin the healing process? Contact me today for an appointment.
