The term “codependence” has come under heat in recent years. While there are certainly situations in which it is has been misused, there are many people who do indeed struggle with codependency. In the addiction world, there is a common misconception that a codependent can only refer to the partner of an addict who is unwilling to make any drastic moves in the relationship and prefers to keep things the way they are even though he or she is suffering. The truth is that codependency refers to a lot more than just that and the partner mentioned above may or may not be a codependent. Another issue with the concept of codependency is that often partners of addicts can be labeled as codependents while forgetting that he or she may also likely be a trauma victim. Whether the trauma resulted from the actually discovery of their loved ones addiction or the hell on earth that partners live through on a regular basis, we must not ignore their trauma just because they may also be a codependent. And lastly, although codependency is often discussed with regards to partners of an addict, the majority of addicts themselves struggle with codependency.
What is Codependence?
Codependence can be defined as developmental immaturity caused by child abuse (which is anything less than nurturing) which renders a person unable to have healthy and fulfilling relationships with self and with others. The five primary symptoms of codependence which will be discussed at length in future posts are:
1. Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem by going “one up”, “one down” or both.
2. Difficulty setting functional boundaries with other people by being too vulnerable or by putting up walls (physically, sexually, or emotionally) or both.
3. Difficulty owning one’s own reality appropriately which means having difficulty identifying your reality (body, thoughts, feelings and behaviors) and / or not knowing how to share that appropriately with others.
4. Difficulty addressing interdependently one’s adult needs and wants which plays out as being too dependent, anti-dependent or needless and wantless.
5. Difficulty experiencing and expressing one’s reality in moderation, that is to say, difficulty being appropriate for one’s age and various circumstances.
Why does this Behaviour Occur?
In her book, Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives, Pia Mellody talks about child abuse (which is described as anything less than nurturing) as the cause of codependence.
Child abuse comes in many forms, and it doesn’t always mean child sexual or physical abuse. Child abuse can mean:
● Calling a child names
● Neglecting to teach basic hygiene
● Avoiding apologizing when the parent is wrong
● Slapping a child across the face
The list can go on and on. In short, anything which shames a child is considered abusive.We don’t often think of some of these behaviors as child abuse, but research has shown that children who grow up in abusive (or neglectful, dysfunctional) environments have a poor understanding of the way the world works. They don’t understand what “normal” really is, and they were taught to believe that because they weren’t happy or comfortable with their family situation while they were growing up, they were actually the problem. Another issue is that children living with dysfunction will take on certain roles in order to survive and continuing to live in this role later on in life ends up hurting them instead of helping them (as it once did).
Overly protecting a child so that he/she doesn’t have to face negative consequences or falsely empowering a child can be just as damaging and will be discussed at a later date.
If you recognize some of yourself in this post, or in the posts to come, it’s important to contact a qualified Therapist who can help you identify the symptoms as well as work through some of the pain you’ve probably been carrying around for a long time. If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment, please contact me today.
