Traumatic events can happen at any point in your life. Some women experience trauma when they become involved in relationships that involve domestic violence. Some men experience trauma when they return from war as veterans. Other people (both men and women) develop traumatic responses to situations such as being bullied on the playground as children, or being chastised by someone who has always been close to them.
While all of these situations are fairly common, and traumatic responses can develop at any time, it’s increasingly normal for many to experience the foundation of trauma during childhood.
Social Responses from Birth
In his book, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk talks about how from birth, we are taught to be social creatures. Newborn babies are immediately given physical touch as they’re swaddled, bathed and cooed over. Mom is, of course, eager to hold her newborn son or daughter and they both get to enjoy skin to skin contact right away. These social responses continue on for years to come, and everything the child learns about self care is first modeled and then taught by at least one primary parent or caretaker in the home. It’s natural to assume that the child would form quite an attachment to his or her parents during this stage of life, and when everything is as it should be, the child grows up to rely on those parents as a source of strength and security. Dr. Van Der Kolk refers to this as the child’s secure base.
The Breakdown of Attachment
Regardless of whether a child’s relationship with the primary caregiver is healthy or not, children always form an attachment to that person. If the attachment is secure, children grow up feeling confident in their own abilities. They have a healthy sense of self-esteem, but they also feel loved, understood and wanted. Likewise, when the attachment is insecure, children grow up feeling the opposite.
From an early age, children are (or should be) taught that soothing comes after a situation that results in stress. Mother quickly pick up and calm a crying baby. Getting hungry results in food being given. Feelings of fear result in hugging and reassurance. When those calming and supportive responses are absent, the brain responds in a negative way, which can be traumatic on its own, or it can lay the groundwork for trauma in the future.
The Upward Spiral
For children who experience a positive childhood that’s filled with love as well as emotional and physical affection, they grow to socially adapt well with their peers. Dr. Van Der Kolk refers to this as the “upward spiral.” If they experience a breakdown in that upward spiral because of neglect or abuse, they do not adapt well in social situations, and it can cause problems later on in their lives.
So much about who you are is developed shortly after birth as a direct response to how your parents took care of you. Perhaps you can’t remember much about your childhood, or maybe you do remember your childhood, but you know it wasn’t good. Healing for this type of trauma is available for you.
Please contact me to make an appointment.
