Fundamentally, sex addiction, its causes, and its consequences are the same for both men and women. Sadly, however, women are often overlooked or ignored when it comes to the topic and this mainly comes down to the myths that society holds about the different genders.
Often seen as a male problem, sexual addiction is actually just as likely to affect women as it is men. As well as society’s attitudes towards how the two genders ‘should’ behave, the other reason so few people realize how many women suffer with it is because of how reluctant females are to come forward about it.
The main reason for this is because they fear the social stigma attached to sex addiction (especially for a female). Another major reason women are less likely to come forward about their problem is because typically, they don’t seek help until an unacceptable consequence has occurred.
While we may have an idea in our head what someone with an addiction looks like and how they behave, a lot of women who seek counselling are high-functioning professionals. This means that they’re functioning perfectly well in their careers, marriage and as a mother despite their addictive behaviors.
Common myths about female sex addiction
The most common stereotypes surrounding women and sex addiction include:
Women don’t become sexually addicted – not only is this a myth, it contributes towards the number of females who feel isolated and alone in their addiction. Often, this stops them coming forward and seeking treatment.
The cause of sex addiction in women is neediness – again, this is based on the cultural stereotypes we have of women. For the majority of those suffering with sexual addiction (regardless of whether they’re male or female), the primary motivation we see is power. This comes from a need to overcome past trauma such as sexual or emotional abuse or to combat loneliness caused by emotional neglect.
Women’s sex addiction is obvious – it’s not uncommon for friends and family to feel completely shocked when a loved one comes forward about an addiction because people can be very good at hiding them. Women typically find it very difficult to come forward about their sex addiction because they feel ashamed, isolated or worry about what people will think about them.
The consequences of female sexual addiction are the same as men’s – many of the consequences are of course the same. Either gender could lose their job, friends, their partner, become socially withdrawn or suffer financial loss. Women can however face further problems including abortion, unplanned pregnancy, STDs, societal stigmas and additional shame.
What causes sex addiction in women?
Contrary to popular belief, sex addictions aren’t just a ‘man’s problem.’ A significant portion of individuals who seek help for sexual addiction are in fact women. One of the important areas of focus in counselling, is the possible causes of your addiction.
Sexual addiction in women can be triggered by many different events and experiences but they usually all fall under the heading of trauma. Traumatic events can take many different forms, including:
Emotional neglect as a child – perhaps you weren’t considered to be an important part of your family. Your thoughts and problems might have been brushed aside in your home or your parents may have chastised you on a regular basis.
Physical neglect as a child – children thrive in homes when they’re hugged a lot or when they’re shown healthy affection. Sadly, not every child experiences this, however. Many of them even experience severe physical neglect in which none of their basic needs are met at all.
Sexual abuse as a child – it’s common for those who experience sexual abuse as a child to believe that their worth lies in having sex. This is one of the many reasons why it’s so common for those who have been abused sexually to suffer from addiction.
Dysfunctional family environment – there are many different types of dysfunctional families which makes it impossible to name them all. However, if you were treated improperly as a child or if you grew up in a codependent environment, it’s possible you could have developed a sex addiction as a way of coping.
Have you had any of these experiences? If you have, sex addiction recovery can help you by addressing the source of your addiction.
What are the signs of sex addiction?
The signs of sex addiction in women are usually cumulative. Initially, you may think you’re enjoying a varied sex life and it will probably even boost your self-esteem for a short period. Over time however, you may find yourself engaging in increasingly risky behaviors which you’re finding difficult to stop.
If you think that you or someone you know may be struggling with sexual addiction, below are some of the most common signs.
- The first and most obvious, is an inability to control sexual behaviors even if you want to stop and it’s having negative repercussions on your life
- You have obsessive thoughts about planning or obtaining sex
- Your sexual behaviors are having a negative impact on your life. Your work productivity may decline, you could be putting yourself under financial strain, your relationship is suffering, you’ve started abusing other substances or you’re becoming socially withdrawn
- It’s affecting you emotionally – you’re likely to be feeling shame, fear and anger and this could be seriously impacting your mental health
- Your sexual behaviors are becoming increasingly extreme or dangerous
- You feel depressed or melancholic ‘the morning after’
- You’re neglecting responsibilities such as work or family in the pursuit of sex
- You become irritable when you’re unable to engage in your desired behaviors
- You may have other psychological disorders such as OCD, kleptomania, pyromania, an eating disorder or another type of addiction
- You shut people out or get defensive when others express concern
What are the consequences of sex addiction?
Addictions do unfortunately come with many negative consequences. Sadly, most people don’t seek help until they’ve hit rock bottom and by this point, they’ve lost everything they valued in their life.
Please remember that although getting help may be frightening and daunting, the right counsellor can get you onto the road to recovery so you can rebuild broken relationships.
Without help, the consequences of sexual addiction can be serious and the longer you leave it, the worse it will get.
Mental health problems
Sex addiction can and very often does lead to serious mental health problems including severe stress, depression and/or anxiety. The nature of sex addiction causes those suffering to experience overwhelming negative emotions such as guilt, anger, loneliness and remorse which when bottled up, can have serious repercussions on our mental wellbeing.
Low self-esteem
It’s common for those with a sex addiction to suffer from very low self-esteem. This could be because you’ve lost your job, your friends and family no longer speak to you, your partner left you or because you feel you don’t deserve for anyone to be nice to you because of the things you’ve done. Low self-esteem can be intensified by the inevitable feelings of shame, self-hatred, hopelessness and despair that come with an addiction.
Other addictions
Too often, addictions go hand-in-hand with each other. In fact, a staggering 83% of people suffering from sex addiction also have another addiction such as alcoholism, drug addiction, an eating disorder or are compulsive gamblers.
The reason for this is because all the negative emotions we mentioned above, mental health issues and feeling like everything’s going wrong in your life means you’re more likely to turn to alcohol, drugs or anything else that provides you with a temporary release and eases the pain of your emotional struggles.
Relationship breakdowns
One of the most common consequences of sex addiction is the breakdown of romantic relationships. Partners are the ones who get hurt the most because infidelity often occurs on multiple occasions.
Couples counselling can be an incredible valuable part of addiction recovery because it can help the affected partner to understand more about sex addiction and how the actions of their partner had nothing to do with their feelings towards them.
Health consequences
There are many health consequences of sex addiction including HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. You may even find yourself in an unwanted or dangerous situation which could cause you physical injuries and emotional trauma.
Women potentially face additional issues including abortion or unwanted pregnancy.
Financial difficulties
Like most addictions, sex addiction can also lead to financial difficulties. Perhaps you lost your job or you’re leading a lifestyle that you quite simply can’t afford. Prostitutes, escorts, strip clubs, paying for pornography and the cost of traveling for the purpose of sexual hook-ups can be taxing on a person’s financial resources – especially when they’re engaging in this behavior on a regular basis.
Legal consequences
The longer someone is caught up in addiction, the more extreme their behavior becomes. This is because you no longer get the ‘high’ that you first did at the start. As you seek out new ways to get that ‘high’ your behavior is likely to escalate.
This could result in you committing sexual offenses such as voyeurism, exhibitionism, inappropriate touching, downloading child pornography or sexual harassment. The consequences of this can range from receiving a caution or getting sued to being stuck with a police record or being sent to jail.
What’s the treatment for female sex addiction?
In many ways, sex addiction treatment for women is very similar to sex addiction treatment for men. When you’ve had a traumatic experience, that is the underlying cause of your addiction, and it’s essential to learn alternate coping strategies that don’t include sex as you work through your recovery.
Unfortunately, many women experience feelings of shame when it comes to sex because of their past behaviors and/or the trauma they experienced in their early life. It’s important to re-learn the truth about sex so that it can be experienced as it was intended in due time. Once you understand why you responded to your trauma the way you do, it becomes possible for you to leave your sex addiction behind.
As you can imagine, completely overcoming your issues will take time and patience and there may even be relapses. If you think back to the very beginning of your addiction, you may remember that it took a long time for your destructive sexual behaviors to form.
In the same way, recovery can take time because there’s a lot to work through.
When you’re working with a professional who can give you the proper support however, you’ll be able to find the freedom you’re looking for.
We do strongly urge you to get the help of a professional sex addiction counsellor. Most people are willing to work at overcoming their addiction but if their efforts aren’t properly guided, their attempt to stop is more than likely going to fail.
Unfortunately, addiction isn’t something that people can just overcome. They need therapy to determine the underlying causes, triggers and how to deal with supressed feelings and memories.
Whether you want to speak to someone on an individual basis, check into a rehab facility, attend group therapy, couples counselling or family counselling, these are all great and highly effective methods of sexual addiction therapy.
If you think that you or someone you know could benefit from speaking to a sex addiction therapist, please feel free to contact Toronto Trauma and Addiction Counselling in the strictest of confidence and we’ll be more than happy to help.
You can also complete the Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST-R) which has been developed to assist in the assessment of sexually compulsive or addictive behaviors. The test is free and can be carried out anonymously.
