One of the most common questions we get is ‘why are some people addicted to sex while others aren’t?’
Although we understand more about drug and alcohol addiction than ever before, there are still many questions surrounding sex addiction, how to define it, what causes it and why some people are more prone to it than others.
Why can some people control their use of online pornography for example and others can’t? How come some people don’t seem to be able to control their urge to have extramarital affairs even though they wholeheartedly love their partner?
The causes of sexual addiction are complex and there is no single factor that determines whether a person will become addicted to sex or not. An individual’s risk for addiction is influenced by a combination of biological and environmental factors however and this can therefore make them more or less likely to suffer from it.
This can include:
Genetics: genes can play a significant role in whether or not someone develops an addiction. For example, children with an addicted parent are four times more likely than children without an addicted parent to suffer addiction issues themselves.
Underlying psychiatric conditions: individuals who suffer from psychiatric conditions such as anxiety, depression or mood illnesses have a higher chance of suffering from addiction than someone who does not suffer from such disorders.
An addiction typically starts when psychiatric disorders overwhelm individuals with feelings of sadness, anger or confusion. Burdened with these feelings, individuals may look for a self-medicating solution – such as sex and this is what can lead to addiction.
People addicted to sex very often have an underlying mental health condition which is why it’s so important to seek professional help. By addressing your mental health difficulties, this will put you in a much better place to deal with and overcome the addiction.
On the other hand however, someone with an otherwise healthy frame of mind can participate in sex without becoming addicted to it. The main reason for this is because they’re not using sex as a form of escapism or to try to avoid unwanted feelings and emotions.
Trauma: when researching why do people become addicted to sex, an answer that will come up time and time again is trauma.
Suffering from a traumatic event, such as abuse or neglect during childhood or the loss of a loved one can strongly factor into an individual’s likelihood of developing an addiction. It’s not just sex addiction that sufferers may be vulnerable to either. Other addictions such as alcohol, gambling or drugs are just as likely to occur.
Research has in fact found that those with an addiction to sex often come from dysfunctional families and are more likely to have been abused. Studies have shown that 72% of patients suffering with sex addiction were physically abused as children, 81% were sexually abused and 97% were emotionally abused.
The effect on the brain: research has started comparing sex addiction to other types of addiction and are shedding light on the reasons why some people develop a compulsion to it. The ways that addiction affects the frontal lobe regions of the brain are of particular interest because these areas monitor things like compulsivity and the ability to make sound decisions.
Just like a person with a compulsive desire to overeat feels that their brain urges them to eat even when hunger isn’t present, people with a sexual addiction may have obsessive and unwanted thoughts about sex. They may be unable to stop themselves from participating in activities such as viewing pornography or pursuing sexual relationships that they shouldn’t.
As with any addiction, each encounter with sex or pornography may bring a sense of pleasure to the brain. As a result, the brain continues to crave these experiences and the person with the addiction is locked in a vicious cycle.
People often struggle to come forward about sex addiction because of the misconceptions surrounding the condition. Those who don’t understand it, question how can someone be addicted to sex? People who can’t ‘control their urges’ are categorised as serial cheaters.
Research does however suggest that some people may be more predisposed to suffering addiction issues compared to others. The addicted brain produces intense biomechanical rewards for self-destructive behavior, making it impossible to resist. This ends up creating a vicious cycle. The reward gained from the experience is short-lived and soon gives way to guilt and remorse – making the person more likely to turn to destructive behaviors once again.
It’s also important to remember that sex addiction is very rarely about the enjoyment of sex. A person addicted to sex carries out these acts to try to escape unpleasant feelings and emotions. Unable to control their behaviors, this often makes them feel worse about themselves and they’re left with feelings of guilt, remorse, shame and disgust. They’re not doing it simply because they enjoy it.
A history of unsuccessful relationships: many of those who suffer with sex addiction have a history of unsuccessful personal relationships. They may use sex as a way of diverting the unpleasant emotions they associate with forming bonds with people. However, any pleasure is short-lived and often replaced by feelings of shame and guilt.
In order to try and counteract these feelings, they may continue to engage in sexual behaviors to provide a relief from these feelings. This is exactly how destructive behavior patterns begin.
In addition to simply counteracting any unpleasant feelings, often those struggling with sexual behaviours are using sex instead of true intimacy. Although the name given is sex/porn addiction, it should really be called an intimacy disorder.
While this is a conversation in itself, suffice to say for now, that people with a sex addiction are struggling with an ability to be truly intimate with a partner. Due to various factors in their family of origin, the map in their brain does not allow them to be vulnerable in the true sense of the word with the person they may love most.
Why do people get addicted to porn?
Sex and porn addiction often go hand in hand. But why are people addicted to porn when millions of others aren’t?
As with other addictions, when a person who is addicted to pornography views it, they receive an intense rush of dopamine. This results in feelings of pleasure and reward which naturally makes them want to do it more and more. It’s the very same reason why so many of us find it so difficult to resist our favorite foods.
The more we engage in an activity or consume a food or substance however, the less dopamine the body produces from it. As a result, we have to engage in the activity more frequently in order to get the same ‘high’ we once did.
If you get into the habit of having a glass of wine after work for example, for the first few weeks, that one glass of wine may be all you need to feel really good. Over time however, you’ll start to find that you need a second glass of wine to feel the same effect you once did. This is why behaviors often escalate, become more extreme and develop into addictions.
Because pornography is so readily available and can be used in the privacy of your own home, it’s very easy for someone with a sexual addiction to abuse it.
Signs you may have an unhealthy relationship with pornography include:
- You would rather look at pornography than be intimate with your partner
- It’s creating problems in your relationship or causing you to feel less satisfied with your partner
- You engage in risky behavior, such as looking at pornography at work
- You’re ignoring other responsibilities
- The pornography you’re viewing is becoming more extreme
- You feel ashamed about what you’re doing but continue to do it
- You’re spending a lot of money on pornography, possibly at the expense of necessities
- You’re using porn to cope with negative feelings such as sadness, anxiety or other mental health issues
If you think that you or someone you know may need sex addiction treatment, please feel free to contact Toronto Trauma & Addiction Counselling in the strictest of confidence and we will be more than happy to help.
